I am an optimistic stepmom, but I used to be bothered by the fact, that I missed out on all of my husband’s firsts. I couldn’t be his first wedding, first marriage, first wife, buy our first house together, and have our first babies together. A mindset shift was necessary.
My husband’s ex once told me that she believes I am “threatened by her” and “jealous of her”. Although I didn’t agree with these statements, they forced me to take a look inside and self-reflect. What I discovered was eye opening.
I realized I am not jealous of his ex, but I am jealous she took some of my husband’s firsts. I felt his firsts should be experienced with me, his true love.
His first home was bought with her.
His first engagement was with her.
His first wedding was with her.
His first baby was with her.
His first honeymoon was with her.
All of these thoughts initially made me feel sad. I wanted to have all his firsts and it didn’t feel fair. Sadly, that wasn’t the reality.
I had to grieve the loss of not being there for all of his firsts. I had to shift my thinking from having all his firsts, to being blessed I get to have all of his lasts. The best part is, he gets to be all of my firsts.
I got to have my dream engagement. My first engagement, his last.
We had our dream wedding. My first wedding, his last.
We have a happy, healthy marriage. My first marriage, his last.
We are taking our honeymoon this summer. My first honeymoon, his last.
I get to be his last kiss and he gets to be my last kiss.
We’ve been revamping our home to make it our style and fit our personalities. In the future, we will have the chance to buy a home together. My first home, his last home.
We will be having a baby soon. Although he has two beautiful children, we will make a beautiful baby of our own and grow our family. My first baby, his last addition(s) to our family.
I had to grieve the loss of not getting all of his firsts. On the contrary, realizing his divorce with his ex-wife was also a first, I knew the title of “first” certainly isn’t best. As soon as I shifted my mindset, I could focus on the blessing of him getting all of my firsts, and me getting all of his lasts.
Grief can be common in second marriages. You have to grieve the loss of the fantasy of getting all of each other’s firsts together. Just remember, as a team, you will get to have all of your firsts together.
Charles Dickens once said, “A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.” In this case, the saying holds true, “save the best for last.”
-The Happy I Came in Last Stepmom
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