Ask Stepmom Warrior 4/1/17

Dear Stepmom Warrior: Why doesn’t my partner stand up for me to his ex? I feel like he would rather upset me than upset her. I feel like he doesn’t have my back when he doesn’t speak up to defend me. It’s causing a lot of arguments between us and I don’t know what to do. 

From: Feeling Fed Up 


Dear Feeling Fed Up:

Lots of stepmoms wonder why their partner doesn’t stand up for them. What’s the deal?

When under attack from the ex, many stepmoms feels disgusted, enraged and want their partners to speak up and come to their defense. But their partners don’t seem to be as effected by the conflict.

Some stepmoms want their partner’s energy to be where their energy is. It’s healthy to realize that just because they’re not as worked up as you are, doesn’t mean they don’t feel as upset as you do. Ask them how they feel about what is happening and it might make you feel better to hear them express themselves.
Most men don’t want to be involved in conflict. They try to avoid it at all costs. Your partner may have dealt with conflict for a long time and now that they are free, they don’t have to engage in that anymore.  They are divorced for a reason. They might see no point in addressing things because they know the end result would just be more conflict. They might be numb to the conflict, especially if the ex is emotionally abusive. What they can do is express to their ex that they will not tolerate any attacks on you. If there are attacks, then they can hang up or end the communication.
Your partners are also thinking of their children. They don’t want to do anything that would interfere with their relationship with their children.

I would imagine your partner has dealt with this type of behavior for years. Hence the reason they aren’t together. You’re his love and safe place. As much as it seems like he isn’t standing up for you, I bet he is just as disgusted as you are and just feels like there is no point to creating more conflict with his ex.

Nicole DiLorenzo

Click here to check out the Stepmom Warrior- Stepfamily Lifeline Services.

  1. Why doesn’t my husband stand up for me to his kids is more my issue. He has torn me down I front of my skids…..defends them. I can see why so many second marriages don’t last.

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    1. Carol I’m so sorry that’s your experience. Having your partner elevate you to their children is necessary in having a healthy family dynamic. Have you shared with him how hurtful and damaging that is?

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      1. When we were first married, I begged for him to defend me to my step son. If my ss was sassy I asked my husband to say…don’t talk to my wife that way….or don’t talk to your step mom that way. His response was….if I say test he’ll think were ganging up on him. He doesn’t get it. I did, last week let him know how damaging it is for him to side with the kids. He makes excuses. When I explained it again he was just quiet. It’s really to late now. The damage is done. My step kids are grown. The last one graduating in a month. She is living with her boyfriend already. The other two are on their own as well. Problem is. I don’t feel close to my husband and those wounds are deep.

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      2. That is very hurtful and disappointing. Now it’s about you healing from the pain and making repairs in your marriage. I’d be happy to show you ways to do that if you’d like to work together. My Coaching Services Menu:
        https://stepmomwarrior.wordpress.com/coaching/

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  2. What also bothers me is my step kids refer to my brothers as uncles, and my nieces as their cousins….but who am I? Nobody to them.

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    1. How do you know you’re nobody to them?

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